...and he beat her, and....

Today I heard a truly amazing, even Hollywood-worthy love story. My friend promised me all the details of his unusual romance weeks ago, just after the young woman in question appeared suddenly and unexpectedly in Jordan. It involves all the old motifs: lovers kept apart by family and tradition, free spirits determined to escape the narrow confines of cultural norms and restrictions, and a surprisingly young Middle Eastern woman of extraordinary courage who dared to run away from home for love, which in this part of the world can literally be a death sentence. Fortunately, it is also a story of a family progressive and loving enough to forgive and reconcile and dismiss old constraints.

There was one bit of this story, though, that I found quite disturbing. While it is my intent in this blog, at least in part, to try to ameliorate the typical American stereotype of the "evil A-rabs" and the "backwards Muslim world," there is a definite dark side to the Arab society I've come, in many ways, to love. So today, I want to join kinzi's blogger jihad and show a bit of the dark underbelly of life here.

My friend was describing how his girlfriend's mother and then her father came to find out about their Internet relationship and the real reason why she wanted to go to Jordan. Her parents demanded that she end this relationship, and for awhile she kept it concealed from them. In a very matter-of-fact, almost casual tone, my friend said, "But then her father found out, and he beat her, and he smashed her computer and her cell phone, but he's a Kurd, and you know, when he gets angry, he gets really violent." It was delivered in such a dismissive way, as if the father could hardly have been expected to restrain himself in the face of such circumstances. And he said that the daughter had been surprised, because her father had never beaten her before, but after all, it's the way things are here. And I cringed inside, but I know that it's all too often true. At least in this story, the father eventually came 'round to the daughter's side, and it didn't end in the honor killings that happen every few weeks here for far lesser infractions.

Of course, I realize that my friend has been carrying this around with him for weeks, processing it and all the myriad serious implications it's had for him, for his girlfriend, and for both their families. No doubt he's become somewhat desensitized to the idea, because this is the kind of thing I would expect him to be upset by. I very quickly came to do the same thing in talking about the beatings my very best friend used to get from her husband (now ex), because I couldn't always deal with the emotional overtones.

To his great credit, my friend did everything you could ask of a man in his position. He pleaded with his girl to consider carefully the implications of her actions, to not throw her life away on a chance with a man she'd never even really met, who could be something very different in real life than the man she imagined him to be over the Internet. He urged her to be patient, to be prudent, to be safe. But when it became clear that her convictions simply couldn't be shaken, he did everything he could to support her. When she arrived in Jordan, and her family shortly after, he did everything he could think of to protect her from potentially lethal consequences of her actions. And in the end, he facilitated reconciliation with her family.

Nevertheless, there is a prevailing attitude here that these things happen, and there's nothing we can do about it, and we even come to expect it. It reminds me of a family down the street from me in my Peace Corps village in which I know that the father beats his children, and probably his wife, and I'm certain that he's sexually abusing the girls as well. He's not a man, though, that anyone in the village would confront. He has too much power and too much loyal family.

I find it odd, in a culture which values machismo so highly, that men are not expected to be able to control themselves. Perhaps it's not odd. Perhaps machismo and a certain lack of self-discipline and restraint go hand in hand. Still, I heard still someone else this week say what Lynn always used to say in Peace Corps: if women have to cover their hair and conceal their bodies because men can't restrain themselves, how weak does that make the men?

Well, I know one man here at least who isn't weak. My hat's off to you, my friend!

Downsides of an SLR

or, If I Only Had a Digital Camera!

From Philip Goes North

Amman, Jordan

I've been teased a lot in the last few years for still having one of those old-fashioned film cameras, and for most of that time, I've been able to counter that it takes better pictures than some cheap digital camera. That claim's getting harder to make, especially in Jordan. I don't know if it's the way the vendors take care of the film before I purchase it, or the heat I subject it to after I've purchased it and taken pictures, or the quality of the developing, but it seems that all the photos I've taken in Jordan this time around have been grainy and poor quality. They tend to be washed out, too, even with my UV-protected and polarized lenses. I think this is probably because I can't find a place to purchase 400-speed film in Jordan. Every shopkeeper I try to ask says, "The sun is so bright in Jordan, you don't need 400-speed film!" But I think using 200-speed is over-exposing my film. (Not to mention that sometimes I want to take indoor pictures of kids whizzing around, or people dancing, for example.)

The other problem with film cameras is the time it takes to finish a roll of film and develop it. I just developed seven rolls of film this week, the best of which I've uploaded to Picasa. These photos go back months, all the way to our first trip with Tareef Cycling Club: Biking in Wadi Musa and Hiking in Wadi al-Ghwayr. Most of the other pictures are more recent, from the trek down the King's Highway with Philip, John and Ann, from my trip with Philip to Umm Qais and Jerash, and from the day that Ryan, John and I rented a car to go to Ajlun, Pella and Umm Qais. There are still a few more pictures left in my camera, and I'm waiting to get the pictures I took with Philip and Ryan's cameras!

From Ryan's Rental

truth and Truth

Amman, Jordan

There's a stereotype about Arabs, perhaps most common in the Colonial Era, and still frequently used by Israelis and other Westerners to justify this or that about conflicts in the Middle East. This stereotype says that Arabs are habitual liars and can't be trusted.

It's a stereotype, so of course it's an overly-exaggerated generalization and, I would say, patently not true.

However, anthropologists have, from time to time, given significant thought to the Arab concept of truth. Generally speaking, the experts say that Arabs have a fuzzier definition of "truth." Truth, in other words, is subjective. In one of my classes in grad school, we took an anthropological look at the qadi system of justice in Islamic law. A qadi is an Islamic judge, or perhaps more accurately, an arbiter. You see, the qadi resolves disputes not so much based on what happened and who is to blame, but more on the basis of how the incident was perceived, and what will best restore balance and harmony within the community. The truth, then, should be whatever makes our relationships function most smoothly.

As Westerners, we find this somewhat unethical, bending the truth to make life easier, because we've been raised to believe in absolute Truths, and in individual rights. I think this comes down in the end to our different senses of community, which I've blogged about before. For Americans especially, individual rights are the essential foundation upon which a just society is built. Islam and Arab culture, on the other hand, support the abrogation of individual rights if this is what's required for the health of the community. Sometimes a few white lies and half truths help to grease the wheels.

I'm finding that the practical implications of fuzzy truth in customer service, however, makes me crazy! It can mean, for example, that certain private schools placate parents at the expense of support for teachers. It can mean that bullying is forgiven if doing so will keep the money coming in. It can mean, "Yes, of course we can do that!" when, in fact, doing "that" contradicts a very sensible and necessary policy. It can mean, "We certainly do have that in stock!" when actually some guy from the back room is running to the next shop over to buy an item of a lesser quality just to keep your business. Perhaps most frustrating of all for me, it can mean making up an answer to a question for the sake of providing an immediate response, even though the answer may throw a monkey wrench into the scheduling later in the week.

Sometimes navigating between truth and the Truth is exhausting!

Refreshing Frankness

Amman -> Ajlun -> Pella (Tabqat Fahl) -> Umm Qais -> Amman, Jordan

My roommate Ryan has been dying to drive, so today we rented a car, he and I and my colleague John, and went on an adventure. From my archaeologist friend Chris, I'd gotten a copy of the best map he had and directions to Pella, and from Pella to Umm Qais, my favorite place in Jordan, and Ryan's. However, there are no truly good maps of Jordan, so even the best map is mostly an approximation of where you're actually going. In addition, signage is spotty in Jordan, so we had to stop frequently to ask for directions.

The directions we got from Ajlun Castle down into the Jordan Valley turned out to be a simply gorgeous ride down flower-covered mountainsides, through the villages of Halawa and Hashemiyya (the one in Ajlun, one of two villages of Hashemiyya where there were Peace Corps Volunteers in my day!), and the ruins of what looks to my untrained eye like an Ottoman village. Once we got down to the bottom, directions were pretty simple. There's basically only one road along the Jordan Valley, so we turned right/North at the checkpoint and we were off.

But the guys at the checkpoint had said 7km to Pella, and when we had gone 9km and still not found it, I as navigator started to get nervous. We stopped a couple times to ask for verification, and the most useful of these was also the most amusing. Usually I would ask women for directions, but with Ryan and John in the car, I felt safe enough asking a young man hanging out by the roadside.
"Why don't you come in for lunch and then I'll take you?" he immediately responded.
"No, no, we have a lunch date in Umm Qais later," I replied quickly, only a slight exaggeration since we'd been talking about lunch and a glass of wine at the Resthouse at Umm Qais all the way up the road.
"It's okay, I'm just obligated to ask!" he grinned, and gave us excellent directions.

As we drove away, Ryan and I had a good laugh at his candor. It's true, in Arab culture, hospitality is so deeply ingrained and so important that one is essentially obligated to invite into one's home anyone who asks for help in any way. As a Peace Corps Volunteer, sometimes I took advantage of this, because it granted me the access to the community that was so essential for not only my work, but for my personal well-being. Still, it is exceedingly rare to hear an Arab speak so openly about his obligation of hospitality!

We got a little confused on our way to Umm Qais, too, because there seemed to be no signage in English, but eventually we made it. I've never seen Umm Qais so busy! Like every other grassy overlook or streambank we passed today, Umm Qais was swarming with Jordanians who'd had the same urge we had to get out of the city and enjoy the precious few weeks of green!

Also, if I may be frank myself, the new guard tower in Umm Qais is just a blight. Perhaps it is warranted for security purposes, but it was in the way in many of my pictures today. Most notably, it stuck right up in the middle of the beautiful sunset we watched from the top of the West Theater!

Panorama to Mujib

Ma'een -> Dead Sea -> Wadi Mujib, Jordan

The last time we cycled down the Dead Sea Panorama Road, I got three quarters of the way down the hill and realized that every muscle in my body was tensed almost to the point of cramping. Whether consciously or not quite, I was terrified of wiping out the whole way down. This time, although there were plenty of people who passed me on the way down, I was much more relaxed. I feel much more confident of my balance and competence on a bike now.

At least on the downhill, anyway.

The second half of the trip, though, South along the Dead Sea to Wadi Mujib, was a very different story. For one thing, it was mostly uphill, and on all three hills I eventually got down to first gear and had to disembark and walk, and on the last hill, I just gave up altogether and flagged down Nader. Ammar, however, was having none of that! When he found me in Nader's truck, he read me the riot act, and convinced me to get back on the bike, which I'm glad I did (especially since it was all downhill again from there!)

Farewell, Philip!

or, Next Time, In Paris!

Amman, Jordan

Philip had to leave today, and I almost didn't get to say a proper goodbye. I had to get up and go to work at 9 AM, and he wasn't leaving till afternoon. Fortunately, I find good, generous friends wherever I go, and most of them seem to like each other as much as I like each of them. Exactly this was the case with Philip, Heba and my roommates Ryan and Kitty, who all went out for brunch at Tche Tche this morning to give Philip the proper farewell I couldn't.

But, as luck would have it, my afternoon client cancelled, and I got home in time to spend one last half hour with Philip before he set off for the airport. Heba and I have agreed to visit him in Lille, France, when he's studying there in the fall semester of 2010. You know, unless he ends up somewhere entirely different, in which case it's still my turn to visit him!

From Philip Goes Home

It was, in fact, the perfect afternoon for a cancellation. It's gotten dramatically warmer this week, and today was almost hot. After we saw Philip off, Ryan, Heba and I took Ryan's guitar (and a pair of his pants he asked me to teach him how to mend) up on the roof for a little sunbathing and visiting. It's really been a fantastic day, despite having to say au revoir, auf Wiedersehen, and il al-li'aa to my dear friend Philip!

Donkey Ravine

or, Philip Communing With Nature

From Wadi Himara

Wadi Himara, Dead Sea, Jordan

Finally, another hiking trip on a Friday! This was a Bike & Hike day, actually, starting from near the Baptism Site, taking the bikes down to the Panorama Road, and then hiking up into Wadi Himara (which means, Donkey Ravine). This is the first Bike & Hike I've been able to do, and as I was coming up that last hill to the Panorama Road, I started to wonder if I really wanted to then hike up a wadi. But when we got off the buses at the bottom of Wadi Himara and started in, it was like a whole different trip on a whole different day. I can't tell you how many times I completely forgot that we'd even been biking. I don't know if it was the scenery and the fresh air, or the fantastic company, but I got a substantial second wind.

I think, perhaps, that I may have worn Philip out this week, though. It's true that I didn't warn him to bring crick-stompin' shoes, so he only had the sneakers he has to wear home on the plane tomorrow, but this was a hike you actually could do without getting your feet wet. Nevertheless, when it started to get wet, Philip decided to sit and commune with nature till we came back down, and he insisted that I go on up the ravine, so eventually I did. He says he had a wonderful time sitting there in nature, and I can certainly believe it.

As for me, I had a wonderful time with Emily and her father, visiting from Chicago. And while he was hauling people up cliffs, Emily and I had some long, therapeutic girl talk!

More pictures will be coming when I get mine developed, and Philip sends me his!

From Wadi Himara

P.S. When I got to Safeway this morning, one of my Tareef friends comes up to me and says, "What's my name?" Apparently, I'd had Ammar and Raslan confused again, and it was in fact Ammar and not Raslan who, two weeks ago, commented on how much I had improved, and I got their names mixed up on my blog. Apologies. It's been fixed now. But I could definitely tell today that I am improving, because I've done the biking stretch a couple times before, and it was easier than ever today!

Medina-tain of the Decapolis

Jerash and Umm Qais, Jordan

Today we hired a driver and I took Philip north to 2 cities of the Roman Decapolis, the league of 10 cities that were economic and military strongholds on the edge of the Roman Empire in Palestine. I love Petra, and there are so many things there I still haven't done. Still, I find the cities of the north of Jordan more compelling to me. In part, perhaps, it's because I know so much less about them now. Perhaps it's because the mobs of tourists are slightly less. And in the case of Umm Qais, it's definitely the old adage: Location! Location! Location!

From Philip Goes North

Umm Qais

This is my favorite place in Jordan. The view is just amazing: the Yarmouk River Valley, the Syrian Golan, the Israeli Golan, Lake Tiberius (aka Sea of Galilee), the city of Tiberius, Israel, the Jordan River Valley ... you feel like you're standing on top of the world. Add to that the delicious food at the restaurant there, and Philip's fabulous company, and you've got a perfect day! We wandered about in the ruins down the street of columns to the west, too, found the mosaic floor hidden back in the weeds, and some beautiful flowers. This is the best time to visit the northwest of Jordan, because even with the stingy little bit of rain we've gotten this year, the whole Irbid/Ajlun region just explodes with greenery and flowers, like the kind of spring-time I'm used to from the American northeast.

From Philip Goes North

Jerash

Jordanians must have gotten over the little Danish cartoon fiasco, because the Danish-Jordanian archaeology partnership in Jerash seems to be alive and well. Philip and I discovered a number of things that I'm absolutely certain weren't there even as recently as when I came to Jerash with CLS at the end of June. For one, there was this whole Byzantine church next to the Hippodrome and Hadrian's Arch, with this pristine mosaic floor, and I swear it wasn't there before!

Perhaps the most refreshing thing was our timing. We arrived in Jerash in late afternoon, a time at which I'd never visited the Roman ruins there, and I was pleasantly surprised to see a number of Jordanian families lounging in the grass around the park, enjoying the beautiful sunshine and dramatically warmer weather.

From Philip Goes North

Rediscovering Jordan

It's actually been very nice in quite a few ways to be travelling around with Philip (even if people keep mistaking him for my husband!) and doing the tourist thing. Sometimes in Amman, between work and my social life, I almost forget that I'm in Jordan, especially now that my work schedule keeps me from visiting the village. Even cycling with Tareef, while it gets me out of Amman to parts of Jordan I've never seen before, often feels more like California than the Middle East. But with Philip around, I have an excuse to spend a little more money and get out into the country. In fact, our lovely driver Waseem almost has me convinced to sit for the tour guide examinations to become a licensed Jordanian tour guide. I love my job at Bell, but some weeks I feel like I may as well be in Bulgaria or China or anywhere, I use so little Arabic and have so little contact to "real" Jordanian life.

So, please, come visit me in Jordan! Philip, Auntie Viv and my parents will all testify that I'm an excellent trip planner and tour guide, and I only get better with more practice!

Ester's Big Year!

Amman, Jordan

Philip came back from his little side trip to Jerusalem today. It was a good distraction for him while I was working this week (and it's been a crazy week at work!). As soon as I got home, I took him with me to help celebrate the last night of Ester's 20s. It's a big few months for her, living abroad, getting engaged, turning 30 and getting married! She managed to fill up the entire second floor of La Calle restuarant with people who wanted to help her celebrate, even so many hundreds of miles from home.

She also told us that she's starting a project, on and off Facebook, to get pioneers and young professionals from the Jordanian and expat communities together for networking opportunities. I'm very excited about getting more details!

New Students!

Marj al-Hamam, Jordan

Today we started Block Two of our unofficial opening at Bell Amman. It's almost like I have real classes! This evening's Beginner 1 class has 9 students in it, and we could actually do group and pair work and some of the other fun things that are hard to do with a class of 3 or 5, as I was teaching before. I think my ideal class size would be about 12, but we're working up to that, and hopefully we'll be at least that successful with our official opening in April.

I'm also very excited about finally moving into our new facilities upstairs soon.

"Snow" Day

or, Even Maryland's Not This Squeamish!

Amman, Jordan

I had hoped to get more than one day off to spend with Philip on his visit, but the timing was poor, and I knew I couldn't get out of any part of what is our first week of the second session of classes. John couldn't get today off to entertain his friend Ann, either. So Philip and Ann made arrangements to meet around the corner at Baraka Mall, and John and I shared a taxi to work.

We had just come through the front doors and signed in at the palm scanner when my phone started to ring. It took us quite some time to find it (it had fallen out of my jacket pocket into the jacket lining), and when we did, it was our co-worker Martha. "Good news, Maryah! Snow day! You don't have to go to work today! John still has to go in for placement testing, but you and I don't have to work today." Only half an hour too late!

Anyway, the driver took me to Baraka Mall, where I met up with Philip and Ann, and we had a wonderful day at Jafra Restaurant and shopping for pashminas and kaffiya in the city center. It was a beautiful day, actually. Sunny, not too cold....

It took me a long time to figure out why in the world we had a "snow day" today. There was no snow in sight. Not in Amman. But eventually I remembered that, because there is no heating in the public schools, sometimes the Ministry of Education calls "snow days" that are really "cold days."